Vilomah

I consider myself a person who likes to plan ahead. I like to know what to expect in the future. I didn’t plan on getting pregnant with Miles, and although his pregnancy was pretty uneventful, anything unexpected through me for a loop. But besides that, I was able to plan and anticipate most steps of the beautiful stage in life that is pregnancy.

Finally, the day that Miles was born, I labored all the way to 9.5cm when my doctors realized he was “face presentation” or chin up. This was the beginning of Miles having his own plans. On February 10th, 2018, our beautiful baby boy was born via unplanned cesarian section. This was completely the opposite of my birth plan, but the doctors assured me it was the safest option. And let's me real, I was just SO excited to lay eyes on my son. Since he labored face first the doctors kept warning me about how he might look, and I prepared to see the worst. However, when I saw him for the first time, I thought he looked just perfect. More than perfect. The most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

The first few weeks were challenging; the most difficult part was getting used to the lack of sleep, but finally we fell into a routine. Miles made made being a new Mama easy. He was a perfect baby, a perfect human who I was lucky enough to know. As my 12 week maternity leave came to an end, I would find myself crying at small things Miles did, and small things I was afraid I would miss. Lucky me, I did not miss a thing. I saw his first smile, laugh, grab for a toy, purposeful look into someones eyes when you talked to him, roll over.... beside the 3 weeks I returned to work, Miles and I were inseparable. Everything was going as planned. His dad and I often discussed when we should have our next baby, because Miles made being a parent more than easy, he made it amazing.

None the less, I complained. I didn’t sleep well for almost 5 months. I became impatient and grumpy with my perfect baby more times than I would care to remember now. I became OBSESSED with "improving" his sleep. Swaddle, partial swaddle, try a binky (at 4 months?!), white noise machine, rocking and feeding to sleep. Finally, as much as I dreaded it, I resorted to co-sleeping. I would cry to his dad about how much I hated co-sleeping. It scared me, I didn’t sleep well, but eventually I grew comfortable with it.

Miles' last full day with us was perfect. It was the 4th of July. We had been planning it for a few weeks, and it truly was a great day. Family, friends, games, decorations, fireworks. The day was full of life, and love, and laughter. Around 11pm I fed Miles for what would be the final time. He fell fast asleep so I laid him with his dad. At 11:47 I took a picture of them cuddled on the couch and sent it to my mom along with the text "these two are sleeping on the couch but I have to make them move now". I didn’t feel they were safe to sleep on the couch because, as all parents are told it’s dangerous to let your baby sleep on a couch. So daddy, Miles and I climbed into bed. Around 2:30 I awoke to a rather still baby. I tried to move him, feed him, anything, but almost immediately I knew something wasn’t right. Before the light was turned on, I knew something was horribly wrong. I knew in my mind he was gone, but my heart couldn't accept it. The rest of the night was a blur. The next 5 days in the Pediatric ICU were a blur. The most obvious, yet difficult choice Miles’ dad and I will ever have to make was to remove our baby from life supports on July 10th, 2018.

I’m starting to think the rest of my life will always have a blur to it.

I love you Miles Christopher. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you from the one thing I worried about most. My sweet baby Miles. My life will never be the same.