Postpartum

I think that one of the hardest aspects of losing Miles at 5 months was continuing to adjust to a postpartum body, without a living child to show for it. Miles was exclusively breastfed, so that means weeks of engorgement and pain as my body came to terms with what had happened. It was a constant, and physically painful reminder of all I had lost. There were nights in the PICU where I'd have to pump because the pain was just unbearable, even though the nurses reminded me that this would just prolong the time it would take for my milk to dry up.

Fast forward 8 months, and I sometimes realize I am still recovering from being pregnant with Miles and having a c-section. Certain exercises or movements will hurt my hips or lower abdomen like never before. I try my best to wear my yoga pants and high waisted jeans to my belly button so I don't have to see the sagging skin, stretch marks, and scar that brought Miles into this world. I wish I could say I'm one of those moms that wears her "tiger stripes" (i.e. stretch marks) with pride. But for me, my own body is a constant reminder of how much I've lost; that I am a mother without a physical child to love on.

Postpartum is a complicated time of transition. Postpartum without a living child is hell.