Triggers.

In the notes app on my iPhone, I've started a list of things that I've realized trigger me. I share this not only to help myself be familiar when these times may arise, but to also give others a glimpse of how the simplest things can make my heart break into a million pieces.

Of course there's the obvious;

- monthly anniversaries

- pregnancy announcements

- pregnancy updates

- newborn photos

Then there are the passing triggers, that come without warning;

- driving alone in the car and looking in the rearview, only to remember seeing his cute face in the reflection

- how the calendar in our hallway is still stuck on July, yet neither your dad or I can bring ourselves to change it

- love songs; although they're written about romantic relationships, the lyrics always get me

- the rain

- the silence in our home when one of us isn't here

- looking at the beautiful gifts we've been given to remember him, but knowing they're nothing close to what you really want

- when people ask "how are you?"

It's been almost 8 months since we lost our beautiful and healthy 5 month old son. Although this may not be in the forefront of everyone's mind when they talk and interact with us, it is all Evan and I (and probably a lot of close family members) are constantly thinking of. So before you ask "how are you?" or mention something about how you can't believe its 2019 (or day/month, etc), or even just complain about growing older, just remember, we've been relocated to an open space of emotional landmines, and you never know what might just trigger an explosion.