Anger

[[Just a warning, this is an angry post, but I tried to end it on a positive note.]] I’m mad. I’m furious. I am so utterly devastated that I don’t get to live through all the things I imaged happening in our future. And social media makes this 100X harder... Sometimes I’m angry when I see bump pictures, tracking the growth of someone else’s beautiful baby. How foolish are they to think that life can be so perfect. And how unfair that their baby will most likely grow to out live them, while we endure the unthinkable. Sometimes I’m disgusted when I see the monthly milestone pictures of other people’s kids. I was supposed to be taking one of Miles the day he died. I should have been saying “5 Months - He loved the 4th of July, he’s learned to laugh and he’s finally getting better with his bottle.” But no instead I was having to decide whether I wanted to bury or cremate my infant. But at the bottom of my heart, I wouldn’t wish my fate (my son’s fate) upon anyone. I shared my bump pics. I posted with pride everything new I learned about my son each month. I loved him with all my heart and wanted to share it with the world; just as everyone else on social media does. Sometimes now, I even seek out posts of other happy parents with their growing families. Baby bumps & monthly milestones. I do this because I know that was how I felt in the past. And hopefully it will be how I feel in the future.