Letter to Miles #2

Beautiful Baby Boy,

I absolutely loved being pregnant with you. So much positive attention. Everyone is so nice and polite. I felt secure and confident. I felt a total connection with you, the baby boy inside of me. After all, I had two brains, two hearts and two stomachs 😉 Once you were born, I became anxious. Were you eating enough, were you eating too much?! Don’t even get me started on my anxiety regarding “safe sleeping”. I look back to see saved Instagram posts with captions/hashtags like “will I ever sleep again” or “team no sleep”. God, what I would do to go back in time and just rock you when we both couldn’t sleep. When I look back on photos from your early newborn stage, I’m overwhelming sad. I don’t remember that baby. I didn’t fully enjoy that baby. I was too focused on whether you had gas or if you were swaddled right. I wish I’d just soaked it all in.... every second with you. But when I was caring for you with all my heart, I didn’t think that you might die. Like that night in our bed, between your dad and I, the people who loved you the most... my heart is broken and I know it will never be the same again 💔

I'm so sorry baby boy.

Love,

Mommy.