Grief Sinking In...

It has almost been 3 months since the unimaginable. A lot of people I have encountered lately seem to have moved on and don’t acknowledge Miles, which makes sense, for them he was just a baby. A sad story; but only a story that makes people stop and feel the pain for a moment, yet continue on with their lives. Even close friends and family (to no fault of their own) begin to think of and mention Miles less and less.

If I’m being honest; if I’m awake and interacting with you, in the background I’m thinking of my beautiful son who died. It cannot believe it has been three months. It feels like an eternity and an instant all at once. I'm starting to feel like it’s expected that I start to “get over it” by now, or at least begin to find a new normal. But in reality, the fact that my healthy five month old baby died is just now finally sinking in. Now, when I look at young men and little boys, I wonder what Miles would have looked like. I'm a third grade teacher so this is hard to avoid. When I hear parents complain about their children, I think of what a blessing it must be to watch them grow. When I see pregnant women and newborns I wonder if I’ll ever hold a child of my own again. And in that moment I think back on my time with Miles, and I’m saddened to know it was cut way too short. He would have grown to be a tall handsome man. Evan and I would have raised him to be principled and compassionate (I just know he’d be way taller than me!!). At first grief reveals itself on the surface, it's obvious to all that you’re sad because you’ve lost someone precious. Most people can relate, or at least can understand. But as time goes on, grief changes. And honestly, losing a baby is unique. You lose a lifetime of hopes and dreams, and you’re left with a lifetime of “what if’s?” So here goes another month. And an entire lifetime without our sweet baby Miles. #weneverforget #sweetbabymiles