What if...

What if...

There are so many “what ifs” that plague the inner dialogue of loss parents. Tonight, I can’t stop thinking about the biggest what if that crosses my mind from time to time. I try hard not to focus on it too long because it’s just too painful. I hated co-sleeping, I would cry and cry but is was the ONLY way Miles would sleep for more than an hour. So I decided to look into a safe sleep aid. I decided on the Merlin’s Magic Sleep Suit. They were a bit pricey so I turned to Facebook marketplace to find a used on. On July 4th I made plans to pick one up on someone’s porch. When I arrived it wasn’t left out. I got ahold of the seller and she apologized and promised she’d leave it out the next day when they got back from out of town. That night we went to bed around 11:30. I laid Miles beside me and nursed him to sleep. A sleep which he never woke up from. What if? What if she had remembered to leave it out? What if I hadn’t been so cheap and had just purchased it new? What if I just stuck it out and had a sleepless night tried to make Miles sleep in his pack-n-play? The painful reality is, I’ll never know. I’ll never know a lot of things. So I try my best to be mindful when these thoughts arrive. I can’t change the past, although I’d give my life to. Sometimes it’s not possible to let this thought pass by with only a brief moment of sadness. Instead, on nights like tonight, I’m filled with a heart wrenching pain and streaming tears. Wondering, what if?